As you watch your old man numbering his days, you’ll likely find yourself overwhelmed with emotions and questions, especially about what to do when your dad is dying. The truth is, there’s no easy answer. No one keeps answers for such moments because of how serious it is.
I’ve been there – my father passed some months ago. I was with him till his last breath – RIP Dad. Here’s a summary of the things you can do.
- Stay by his side, and talk, or sit in silence.
- Create a comfortable environment for him.
- Take care of yourself.
- Have important conversations with him.
- Prepare for the inevitable.
- Honor his legacy.
- Lean on your support system.
- Find comfort in God.
I’ll go deeper with these points below, but first, understand that you have to put worry aside. At this time, the piling bills, the fear of losing your old man, and the uncertainty of what the future holds in his absence will pile up.
When you keep this fear in check, you can do the things I’ve shared in this piece.
1. Be Present with Him
The first thing you should do is be there. Physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Your dad might not have much time left, and your presence will be one of the greatest comforts. Don’t worry too much about saying the perfect words. Simply sitting by his side, holding his hand, or just being in the same room can bring more peace than you realize.
- Talk if You Can: Even if he’s not responsive, your voice might be comforting to him. Share memories, tell him how much you love him, and let him know he’s not alone.
- Be Silent if You Need to: Sometimes, just sitting in silence together is enough. It shows your dad you’re there, without needing to fill the space with words.
2. Create a Comfortable Environment
Your dad might be in a hospital, hospice, or even at home. Either way, try to create an environment that feels comforting and familiar. If you’re at home or in a private space, make sure his surroundings are peaceful.
- Adjust Lighting and Noise Levels: If the room is too bright, dim the lights to create a calm atmosphere. And if it’s too noisy, close windows or shut the door to minimize the disturbance. My father didn’t like the lights on, but I couldn’t keep him in the dark, so I got an adjustable rechargeable lamp and set the light low. It still gave light to the room, but didn’t affect him.
- Surround Him with Familiar People and things: If he had any favorite items, like a blanket, photos, or music, bring them into the room. Small things that make him feel at ease are incredibly valuable in these moments. Bring everyone to see him, where possible. One of my regrets with my father’s passing is that he didn’t get to see his grandkids (my sister’s kids – he video-called them though).
3. Take Care of Yourself
It may feel selfish to focus on yourself when your dad is so ill, but speaking from experience, it’s one thing you MUST do. You can’t pour from an empty cup. Caring for your emotional and physical well-being is necessary so that you can be there for your dad.
- Get Rest: You might feel the urge to stay up all night watching over him, but you need sleep. Rest allows you to maintain your energy levels and be present when he needs you most.
- Eat and Drink: It’s easy to neglect your own basic needs when you’re consumed with worry, but make sure you’re staying hydrated and eating something, even if it’s just a little bit.
4. Have Important Conversations
There might be topics you and your dad have never discussed, and now is your time to open up. Some people are afraid of confronting tough topics in these moments, but it can offer both of you closure.
- Talk About His Wishes: If you haven’t already discussed what your dad wants for his final days, now might be the time to ask. You can discuss end-of-life care, funeral plans, and even his thoughts about his legacy.
- Ask for Forgiveness or Share Gratitude: This could be your last chance to express deep emotions. If there are things unsaid—thank him for being the dad he was, share your love, or ask for forgiveness if needed. My dad didn’t ask for forgiveness before he passed. Not that I and everyone else he offended didn’t forgive. But he did share important things with me.
5. Prepare for the Inevitable
It’s hard to face reality, but preparing for your dad’s passing is essential. Understanding what to expect can help alleviate some of the anxiety.
When someone is nearing the end of life, their body begins to shut down. Breathing might become irregular, and your dad may experience periods of unresponsiveness. This may or may not happen to your father, but it can be not very comforting.
You’ll likely feel a range of emotions, so you should be mentally (and all-around ready) for moments of sadness, relief, anger, and confusion. It’s okay to feel these emotions, but you should try to surround yourself with support.
6. Honor His Legacy
As your dad nears the end of his life, it’s important to reflect on the legacy he leaves behind. Take time to honor who he was and the impact he made on your life. Share stories with other family members about the memories you’ve made together. Celebrate his life and what he has taught you. If your dad is willing, you can create keepsakes such as a handprint or a lock of hair. These items will help you remember the good times even after he’s gone.
7. Lean on Your Support System
You don’t have to go through this alone, so, you need to have people around you who understand what you’re going through. Let family, friends, or a support group be there for you. If you need someone to take over for a while so you can rest, don’t hesitate to ask. Let others help with small tasks that you might not be able to handle at this time.
Whether through talking, writing, or art, express the emotions you’re feeling. Sometimes it’s helpful to have someone to talk to, someone who can help you process your feelings.
8. Find Comfort in God
As a Christian, I found myself crying and praying during my covenant prayer hour a couple of times. I’d prayed for his healing and recovery, but his condition seemed to worsen. So at those times, I went to the only other Father that’d move mountains for my sake – God. If prayer is something that brings you peace, spend some time doing it. Ask God for strength to endure this difficult time, and don’t stop praying for your dad.
When your dad is dying, every second counts. Know that you can’t stop the inevitable. However, you can ensure that his final days are filled with love, understanding, and comfort. Make the most of your time together. If you can, hold his hand, share stories, and allow yourself the grace to grieve. This is a moment in life that will forever change you, but in the midst of pain, there’s also an opportunity to create lasting memories.
You might not have all the answers, but you don’t need to. Just be there for your father in whatever way you can. That’s all your dad would ever ask of you.
